As a birthday gift to myself, I stayed up until 4AM making an image where I’m riding on Kanye’s shoulders through a nebula for my phone’s background.

I’m so alone.

The Consequences Of Making Fun Of Adele

You don’t often see people making fun of Adele, and there’s good reason for that. Extreme punishment is handed out to those who mock the current queen of music, adored by men, women, and animals worldwide, so I’ve decided to refresh you on the guidelines. Here they are:

Class I - Physical Mockery
Example: “Why should we pray for Adele’s vocal chords when the only thing she ever prays for is that they remember to put Sweet & Sour sauce in with her McNuggets?”
Punishment: Stoning/Flogging/Torturing
Description: It’s easy to tease people for their appearance, and considering Adele isn’t the perfectly thin, buxom singer we’re used to, this is the most common form of mockery. Any negative comment about her weight will land you one of practically any form of public humiliation and violence. You will also receive this punishment if you do not yet own copies of her albums.

Class II - Talent Mockery
Example: “Her voice is kind of generic.” / “19 was pretty mediocre…”
Punishment: Death.
Description: If you’re in the presence of someone who mentions Adele’s talents in such a way, you’re legally obligated to put them to death immediately. Refusing to do so results in earning yourself Class I punishment. So, don’t forget to bludgeon your grandmother to death when she says “Turn that ‘Someone Like You’ song off. I’m sick to death of it.”

Class III - Blasphemy
Example: “I don’t understand her appeal at all.” / “Just because she’s sold a bunch of records doesn’t mean she’s anything special.”
Punishment: An eternity of suffering in the fires of hell.
Description: You’ve questioned the power of Adele, and now you’re going to pay. Heaven has no room for people who doubt her, so instead of just death, you’re sentenced to hell. There you will spend the rest of forever shovelling coal with 21 on repeat, because even Lucifer himself loves “Rolling In The Deep”.

Five Signs That Ryan Gosling Is God

We all agree that Ryan Gosling is some form of higher being, but how high? Well, here are five signs that point to him being God himself:

1. He is a good man. Ever seen him be rude in an interview? Throw a fit on a movie set? Ignore a fan? Chances are Ryan is currently somewhere in the world, wiping spilt oil off a baby seal, while giving a homeless man his clothes, and delivering a baby at the same time.

2. His physical perfection. If you were God and wanted to walk the earth, wouldn’t you do so in the best human body possible? With his kind face, strong jaw, and photoshopped abs, it doesn’t get much better.

3. He’s everywhere. Between Crazy Stupid Love, Drive, The Ides of March, interviews, and internet memes, you can’t go anywhere without feeling the presence of Ryan Gosling. No matter where you go, he is with you.

4. He is incorruptible. When you grow up as a child star, by the time you’re 30-years-old you’re supposed to have a sex tape, a drug problem, and no acting jobs. Not Ryan Gosling though.

5. He saves people. If you’re on the internet, you’ve seen the video of Ryan Gosling breaking up a New York street fight. Who knows how many times he has swooped in and saved people from similar scenarios? He’s either God or Batman.