The Nine Levels Of Tumblr Hell

According to Dante, hell has nine different levels/circles. I believe that Tumblr Hell also has nine different levels, all of which are described below.

Tumblimbo
Tumblimbo is much the same as hell’s limbo. In this first level, you are trapped on an empty Tumblr dashboard. Any entries you try to make fail to post, and all of your images, audio and video are the incorrect file types. Therefore, you’re trapped on this blank, unchanging Tumblr dashboard for eternity.

The Tower Of Tuesday
In this level of Tumblr Hell it is always Tuesday. People unfamiliar with Tumblr may rejoice that they aren’t trapped on a Monday, but us Tumblr users know Tuesday’s true terrors. Here, people are constantly asking to be recommended. They beg, they plead and no matter how many times you recommend them, they will ask you again. Also, girls post naked photos of themselves for Topless Tuesday. If you’re a male, these photos stop loading just before the breasts start, and if you’re a girl, all of the topless photos negatively effect your self-esteem.

Auto-play
In the third level of Tumblr Hell, you find yourself in front of your computer in a dark room. You’re already feeling jumpy, but to make matters worse; everyone has auto-play music on their blog, you cannot turn your speakers down and the music cannot be paused. Worst of all: the song is always BoB’s “Airplanes”. You could really use a wish right now…

The Sea Of The Satirical
This level is reserved for humour bloggers. Satirical posts made by the doomed bloggers in this level are taken seriously by everyone who reads them. The readers overreact to these obviously sarcastic posts, unleashing the fury of caps lock and teenage angst all over the publishers. Nobody laughs and everyone is offended.

The River Reblog
While there is nothing wrong with reblogging posts, those who find themselves in this level of Tumblr hell quickly develop a hatred for it. Those you follow constantly reblog posts, and it is the same posts over and over again that get reblogged, leaving you with an eternity of the same stuff on your dashboard. This constant stream of movie stills and overly-photoshopped photos quickly drives you insane.

The Land Of The Always Anonymous
Everyone in this level has Ask enabled and accepts anonymous questions. You are flooded with anonymous messages of hatred. People make fun of your hair, your display picture and how often you blog about your cat. However, you’re also flooded with anonymous messages of undying love. The senders of these love-filled messages never reveal themselves, and you are doomed to dwell on their identity for eternity. 

The City Of Meme
Those who frequently reblog memes, especially when they are no longer funny, find themselves in The City Of Meme. All of the memes reside here, wandering the streets of the city and punishing anyone who laughs at them. Anonymous voices yell at you from the buildings, telling you that you stole the memes from other websites and that you ruined them. The only way out is guarded by Insanity Wolf, making escape impossible.

Helvetica
A place of misery and despair, Helvetica is filled with hipsters, triangles and bars with professional photographers on staff. Helvetica is such a deep layer of Tumblr Hell because it’s so underground that you’ve probably never even heard of it, much like the bands that reside here. In this level, you are mocked by the hipsters for not being as hipster as they are and spend an eternity wondering why this bothers you so much.

The Valley Of “We’ll Be Back Shortly”
The deepest level of Tumblr hell is one we’ve all already experienced in brief doses. In this level, Tumblr is always down for maintenance and will always “be back shortly”, but it never comes back. You spend an eternity refreshing the page, over and over again, while wondering why you’re unable to tear yourself away from the computer to do something productive with your time.