Notifications: The Best And Worst Things In Our Lives

All of our hearts skip a beat when we see those little alerts that tell us that someone in the world wide web cares enough to interact with us on a social network. However, while supplying our lives with a joy and excitement that is otherwise hard to come by, they’re also a source of much disappointment. Here’s a deeper look into those little bittersweet squares:

Facebook

Most of us get Facebook notifications often enough, and we’re usually left disappointed by how mundane they are. Given how interweaved the social network is with our real lives, there’s much more at stake here.

What You Hope It Will Be: A friend request from that person you work with and secretly love, your ex telling you how much they regret leaving you and how much they miss the sex, or a tagged image of you where you resemble Brad Pitt.

What It Is: A friend request from someone you’re indifferent about, your grandmother asking for assistance in Farmville, or a tagged image of you where you resemble Philip Seymour Hoffman (and you’re a girl).

Unless you’re internet famous or somehow have a life outside of the internet, messages on Tumblr are relatively rare compared to Facebook. Therefore, when you see that “1” above your inbox, it’s a cause for celebration, yet it’s rarely what we pray it is.

What You Hope It Will Be: A message from an attractive member of your preferred sex stating: “So I found your blog, and based on your description, tiny-yet-attractive display picture, and our shared love of kitten .gifs, I’ve decided to have sex with you. It turns out I live close by, and I strongly believe we’re star-crossed lovers drawn together by our preferred micro-blogging platform.”

What It Is: A “Thanks for the follow!” or an anonymous “No wonder you’re so lonely.”

Twitter

The blue light that appears beneath your @connect tab when someone tweets @ you is a relatively new feature on Twitter, and it doesn’t take 140 characters to describe how disappointing the results almost always are.

What You Hope It Will Be: Anything that’s not spam.

What It Is: Spam.