Getting Revenge On Small Children

Kids can be real dicks sometimes. Sure, they’re too young to realise the consequences of their actions, but is that really an excuse? Whether they’re playing up in a store, throwing things or heckling you, they know that there’s nothing you can do to get back at them… until now. Unless you’re their family, you can’t discipline them without being arrested, and thus you’ve got to be smart about getting revenge on the five-year-old who just called you a “bitch”.

Here are a few methods you can use for revenge:

- The Dead Animal Trick: So, you know where the punk kid lives, and you’ve got to make the most of that. When the family aren’t around, sneak onto the premises and leave a deceased animal somewhere for the kid to find. A dead bird in the mailbox, a cat at the food of the bed, or a cow’s head in the sandpit, it would surely do some psychological damage. The child may even contract a disease from it! Win-Win!

- The Dream Ruiner: If you’re away from their parents and want to do some quick damage, do your best to ruin everything they have. Start firing out sentences that destroy not only their childhood, but also their hope. For example: “Santa isn’t real, you can’t be whatever you want to be, and your parents would be happier if you weren’t around.” Get a combo going and that kid will be crying before you can say “Dora The Explorer has AIDS.”

- The Tattle Tail: If you feel like you’re too good to try the above techniques, you can always just tell the child’s parents what they did. The punishment they deal out, along with the disappointment they feel, should be enough revenge. You can even add to the list of wrongs the child committed. Throw in “They said the ‘c-word’ too!” for extra damage, and saying they asked you for a cigarette can’t hurt. However, if the parents are as horrible as their children: it’s war. I’ll save that for another post though…