Santa Kaws

As children, we were always threatened by our parents with being on Santa’s “naughty list” and not getting all of the presents we wanted. How often did that really occur though? You could act like a real little douchebag and still get everything you wrote down on your wish list. Well, if you have children, or plan on having them, I have a new character you can add to the Christmas myth that will make your spawn behave all year around.

Santa Kaws is a human-sized, anthropomorphic crow that assists Santa Claus in his yearly practices. Throughout the year, Santa Kaws flies high above the world, well beyond the field of view of humans. From the stratosphere, he uses his extraordinary eyesight to watch all of the children. If he spies a kid being naughty, he will venture into it’s house on the 25th of December, entering through the chimney dressed as Santa Claus, and proceed to peck out the child’s eyes.

Of course, considering Kaws is just a myth, it will be up to the parents themselves to remove the eyes of their children. Fortunately, the consistent, all-encompassing fear of Santa Kaws should be enough to keep any child on their best behaviour all throughout the year. The most parents will have to do is draw fake scratch marks on the eyes of their sleeping children on Christmas night, or the naughtiest kids (or perhaps just those with overwhelming guilt) might even get their Oedipus on.

Now we can put Santa’s “naughty list” behind us. After all, what are you more afraid of: a jolly fat man refusing to give you presents, or an always vigilant, man-sized crow that sneaks into your house and pecks out your eyes?