Mythical Beings For Teenagers

By the time you reach your teenage years, chances are you’ve put Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy behind you. Yet these sources of childhood happiness dissolve in a sea of lies right when you face one of the most painful times of your life. I don’t think that’s entirely fair. Therefore, I believe we should create more mythical, gift-giving beings that can assist teens in times of turmoil. Here are a few of my suggestions:

The Menstruation Mountain Lion
- Those first few months of menstruation are difficult for every female, and the Mountain Lion is designed to make this period easier. The terrestrial mammal wanders the lands, visiting girls at the beginning of their cycle, leaving them menstrual products, painkillers, and other such comfort items. The spirit of the beast remains with the girl during each cycle, and is used to explain any irritability or anger that follows.

The Wet Dream Whale
- An enormous, magical whale that comes to the bedrooms of teenage boys whenever they experience a wet dream. The whale (a sperm whale, of course) delivers items to make the embarrassment of nocturnal emissions less severe, such as clean sheets and new underwear. In the mind of the teenager, it wasn’t their mother that had to clean their bedding, it was a 65 ft. long, toothed whale.

The Heartbreak Hobgoblins
- You never forget your first heartbreak and the apocalyptic pain that comes with it. However, wouldn’t that nasty break up be much easier if you believed your ex-partner was haunted for weeks afterwards by a band of hobgoblins? These mischievous little creatures play practical jokes on the person that ruined you forever, and do their best to make their life worse than yours.

The Consequences Of Making Fun Of Adele

You don’t often see people making fun of Adele, and there’s good reason for that. Extreme punishment is handed out to those who mock the current queen of music, adored by men, women, and animals worldwide, so I’ve decided to refresh you on the guidelines. Here they are:

Class I - Physical Mockery
Example: “Why should we pray for Adele’s vocal chords when the only thing she ever prays for is that they remember to put Sweet & Sour sauce in with her McNuggets?”
Punishment: Stoning/Flogging/Torturing
Description: It’s easy to tease people for their appearance, and considering Adele isn’t the perfectly thin, buxom singer we’re used to, this is the most common form of mockery. Any negative comment about her weight will land you one of practically any form of public humiliation and violence. You will also receive this punishment if you do not yet own copies of her albums.

Class II - Talent Mockery
Example: “Her voice is kind of generic.” / “19 was pretty mediocre…”
Punishment: Death.
Description: If you’re in the presence of someone who mentions Adele’s talents in such a way, you’re legally obligated to put them to death immediately. Refusing to do so results in earning yourself Class I punishment. So, don’t forget to bludgeon your grandmother to death when she says “Turn that ‘Someone Like You’ song off. I’m sick to death of it.”

Class III - Blasphemy
Example: “I don’t understand her appeal at all.” / “Just because she’s sold a bunch of records doesn’t mean she’s anything special.”
Punishment: An eternity of suffering in the fires of hell.
Description: You’ve questioned the power of Adele, and now you’re going to pay. Heaven has no room for people who doubt her, so instead of just death, you’re sentenced to hell. There you will spend the rest of forever shovelling coal with 21 on repeat, because even Lucifer himself loves “Rolling In The Deep”.

When I Look Into Your Eyes… // The Bubblegum Gang

Minorities Not Yet Represented In Glee

After a bit of research, it turns out the only minorities yet to be represented in Glee are pirates, ghosts, vampires, sharks, teenage werewolves, Milhouse, bounty hunters, overweight rappers, baby-throwing gypsies, men who frequently drink their own urine, and famous African-American actors with kittens on their heads.

If you belong to one of these groups: don’t fear. I’m sure they’ll cover you all in time.

Five Signs That Ryan Gosling Is God

We all agree that Ryan Gosling is some form of higher being, but how high? Well, here are five signs that point to him being God himself:

1. He is a good man. Ever seen him be rude in an interview? Throw a fit on a movie set? Ignore a fan? Chances are Ryan is currently somewhere in the world, wiping spilt oil off a baby seal, while giving a homeless man his clothes, and delivering a baby at the same time.

2. His physical perfection. If you were God and wanted to walk the earth, wouldn’t you do so in the best human body possible? With his kind face, strong jaw, and photoshopped abs, it doesn’t get much better.

3. He’s everywhere. Between Crazy Stupid Love, Drive, The Ides of March, interviews, and internet memes, you can’t go anywhere without feeling the presence of Ryan Gosling. No matter where you go, he is with you.

4. He is incorruptible. When you grow up as a child star, by the time you’re 30-years-old you’re supposed to have a sex tape, a drug problem, and no acting jobs. Not Ryan Gosling though.

5. He saves people. If you’re on the internet, you’ve seen the video of Ryan Gosling breaking up a New York street fight. Who knows how many times he has swooped in and saved people from similar scenarios? He’s either God or Batman.

The Mo’torious B.I.G. // The Bubblegum Gang

Jennifer Aniston & A Velociraptor

Imagine waking up with a 6’ tall, highly intelligent and equally deadly lizard in your bed. That’s Jennifer Aniston’s reality in her latest film, “Jennifer Aniston & A Velociraptor”. In the film, Jennifer Aniston plays Jennifer Aniston, a struggling actress with a love life to match, who wakes up in her normally empty bed to find a prehistoric beast beside her.

Once the initial terror passes, along with some brief moments of humorous standoffishness, Jennifer agrees to let the lost and confused velociraptor stay with her until he figures out how he got to Hollywood. The two soon begin to bond, brought together by their own loneliness. One, an aging creature desperately searching the land for a companion, the other, a velociraptor; the two become best of friends in no time.

After witnessing one too many nights of self-loathing, ice cream and Friends reruns, the velociraptor vows to find Jennifer her soulmate while he searches for his own kind. Inspired by her newfound friends’ dedication, Jen agrees to let the theropod help her, and the two are soon hitting up all of the Hollywood hotspots in pursuit of her dream man.

The velociraptor opens the door to Jennifer’s heart. Using it’s advanced hunting techniques, the velociraptor tracks, flanks and ambushes potential love interests for her. Yet while they experience overwhelming success in finding Jennifer dates, possibly due to the velociraptors imposing sickle-shaped claws, the resulting romantic encounters always end in awkward and hilarious heartbreak caused by the terrifying presence of the two stars.

However, they eventually find a man who isn’t scared off by Jennifer’s movie star status, or by the lizard from the Late Cretaceous period. But how long can it last? What will happen when the velociraptor finally finds his own kind? Can Jennifer cope without his help? Where did the velociraptor even come from?

Find out next fall!

Alternatives To The Death Penalty

After the controversial execution of the possibly-innocent Troy Davis, it’s once again become painfully clear that the death penalty needs to be thrown away. While the majority of people on death row may be guilty, doing so would prevent further similar instances from occurring and the government can stop systematically taking lives. However, if the death penalty was done away with, there should still be some greater punishment for the most dangerous criminals on the planet.

Here are my suggestions:

Force Prisoners To Be Regular Guests On The View - Sitting on a panel with four middle-aged women yelling over the top of each other may seem extraordinarily cruel, but it comes with a few benefits. If the prisoners can somehow manage to get a word in, perhaps their voices could be heard. At the very least, with deadly criminals on the set, perhaps one of them could finally get rid of that blonde woman…

Only Allow Prisoners To Watch Bad Romantic Comedies - It may seem painful enough to us, but to the world’s most ruthless killers it would be excruciating. Being forced to sit through hours of Jennifer Aniston, Matthew McConaughey, and Kate Hudson falling in and out of love? Yikes. However, while it may seem a bit too Guantanamo, films like Valentine’s Day might teach them something about love… Right?

Implement Dementors Into Prisons - Now that the Harry Potter film series is over, there are going to be a lot of unemployed Dementors flying around. Why not put them to use in the prison system? People would think twice about committing murder if they’d be faced with Dementors when they get to jail. After all, Dementors drain the peace, hope, and happiness out of the air faster than hearing your ex-lovers name does.

These alternatives may seem far worse than death, but at least no more innocent lives would be lost.

The Hipster Rating Scale

Want to know where you stand in everybody’s favourite contemporary subculture? Simply take the quiz below to find out! If you answer positively to the following questions, add up your points and you’ll soon find out how hipster you really are.

Questions
Do you wear glasses with thick black rims? (5 points)
Do you need them? (10 points for No)
Is your hair longer on one side than the other? (10 points)
Do you own a Mac? (10 points)
Was your profile picture on Facebook taken with Photo Booth? (15 points)
Do you enjoy Wes Anderson movies? (5 points)
Does your bedroom look like the sets on Wes Anderson movies? (10 points)
Do you smoke cigarettes? (5 points)
Do you only smoke cigarettes when there’s someone around to see you smoking them? (10 points)
Do you have tattoos of an anchor, key, pin-up model or swirly writing? (5 points)
Do you have a chest tattoo? (10 points)
Did your friends do any of your tattoos for you at a party? (15 points)
Are any of your tattoos quotes from Charles Bukowski, Kurt Vonnegut, or Jack Kerouac novels? (20 points)
Do you use Instagram, Tumblr, Google Plus, or Lookbook? (Add 5 points for each website used)

Scaled Questions
Add 1 point for every band you listen to that has a woodland creature in their title. (Up to 5 points)
Add 1 point for every clothing item you own sold by American Apparel or Urban Outfitters. (Up to 5 points)
Add 1 point for every photo on your Facebook that was taken by a professional photographer at a bar. (Up to 10 points)
Add 1 point for every time you remember someone saying “Who are they?” when you spoke about a band you like. (Up to 10 points)
Add 1 point for every cup of tea you’ve consumed in the past week. (Up to 10 points)
Add 1 point for every time you’ve visited a café in the past month. (Up to 10 points)

Male
Do you have facial hair? (5 points)
Do you have a moustache? (10 points)
Do you wear V-neck shirts? (5 points)
Is chest hair visible out of the top of these shirts? (10 points)
Do you like to think of yourself as a poor man’s Hank Moody? (10 points)
On a scale of 1-10, how tight are your jeans? (Add your chosen number)
Add 1 point for each ironic t-shirt you own. (Up to 10 points)
Did you spend a lot of time carefully making your hair messy today? (20 points)  

Female
Do you wear oversized sweaters? (5 points)
Do you still wear them even if it’s hot outside? (10 points)
Do you wear leggings/tights as pants? (5 points)
Do you ride a bicycle with a basket on the front? (10 points)
Do you try to avoid looking directly at the camera lens when someone is taking a photo of you? (10 points)
On a scale of 1-10, how much do you look like Zooey Deschanel? (Add your chosen number)
Add 1 point for each skirt/dress that you own with a floral print. (Up to 10 points)
Did you wear anything from a thrift store today? (20 points)

Final Question
Were you at all offended by this highly satirical, overgeneralised quiz? (20 points)

Results
1 - 100 - Not that much of a hipster. You’ve barely got any hipster characteristics. While some hipsters may look down on you for being too mainstream, at least you look like you have somewhere to live.

100 - 200 - Pretty hipster. You might be a denim jacket away from full hipsterdom, but you’re still capable of successfully defending yourself when called a hipster in a derogatory fashion.

200 - 300 - Full hipster. You’re so hipster your handwriting is in Helvetica. I’d talk more about you, but you’re so underground that I probably haven’t heard of you anyway.

What do you guys think of my new camouflage-print sweater?

Kanye Reblogging Kanye // The Bubblegum Gang

The Internet University

Chances are you’re supposed to be studying right now. Yet here you are, procrastinating on Tumblr again. Why? Probably because that paper you have to write sucks in comparison to the wonders of the internet! While you’ll get that assignment finished in time (barely), wouldn’t everything be better if you could just study the internet?!

Educational institutions around the world should implement internet-related subjects into their courses. We spend so much of our lives on here that it just makes sense. Plus, the students would be happier, grades would skyrocket and we’d all be prepared for our ever more e-dependent futures!

Here are a few ideas for courses:

- Reblogging Responsibly.
- Photoshop Yourself With Celebrities.
- Taking Sexier Self-Shots.
- The Politics Of The Facebook Relationship Status.
- Nudes: From Taking Them To Sending Them.
- The Perils Of Tumblr Fame. 
- Tweet Better.
- Getting Followers And Keeping Them.
- The History Of Viral Videos.
- Default Photos And What They Say About You. 

What would you study?

(Inspired by @kamihenderson.)